Just Another Rat In The Race

We e-meet again. It’s been a while, I know. I’m done making excuses or sugar coating things so honestly, I’ve taken a bit of a break from blogging because things have been hard. Usually writing on Make Me Up Marie helps me through difficult times, as I’m sure you’ll know if you’ve been with me for a while… but there’s been a bit of a writer’s block. Not in the normal sense though, as I’ve been doing (what I consider to be) a great job with my copywriting and social media projects for Little Miss Content.

The Get Better Box has been ticking over steadily too, so we’re in a better position than we previously have been. Startups are always intense. They take a lot out of you, and the job is never truly done. My personal life seems to be in constant turmoil, in one way or another. And as I mentioned somewhere here last month, I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist once a week. I’m finding it hard to get down time, and when I do I use it to internalise and process everything that seems to be happening at 1000 miles an hour.

I want to be alone more than ever. My mind is constantly occupied and just being in the presence of people can get too much. At the moment, I’m either writing to a clients brief or I’m writing selfishly – in a private notepad that is not ever to be shared. Funny how I call that selfish, when writing diary notes and keeping them private is incredibly common – probably more so than sharing your thoughts, experiences and opinions online. That’s kinda why I decided to pull back…

Over-sharing is something I’ve been encouraged to do from a young age. I think my entire generation has, actually, thanks to social media. I really struggle with knowing what to share and what to keep for myself. I gain so much insight and comfort from bloggers, YouTubers, writers and anyone who is brave enough to publicly share their stories and emotions to support others, and therefore I feel very much compelled to do the same. I want to be open and I want to help, yet there’s this other side to the situation, in which I feel highly vulnerable and responsible for what I say (write/don’t write) and do (post/don’t post).

I’m aware that my stories include other people. People who may not wish for their part in my life experience to be known. I’m also aware that I’m a business owner, and what I say here can always in turn affect the reputation of our companies. In addition, there are always going to be ‘creeps’, ‘haters’ and ‘nosey parkers’ who will feed on the information you provide –thriving on your struggles and getting a real kick from putting you down or picking you apart. When you’re in a good place, none of that really matters.

When you’re in the midst of therapy, processing historic child abuse, unlearning huge bulks of what you were taught (and genuinely believed) and trying to ‘find yourself’, with the persistent pain of family estrangement, it becomes…. almost impossible.

Today I’m feeling brave enough to share these thoughts with you. No idea what I’ll be feeling tomorrow. It does seem mundane to review some makeup or analyse the latest fashion trend when I’m becoming ever more sensitive to the fact that style and beauty are simple ways of saying more complicated things.

I can imagine a few people laughing at that, because my focus for so long has been on those two very things but as a writer first and foremost I am extremely focused on one day being able to fathom the right words to explain such inner complexities. That being said, I don’t find fashion, nor makeup, in any way redundant – they’re creative and can be meaningful – just not what’s inspiring me to put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard) right now.

What is inspiring me is the strength of mankind. The lost little pockets of communities and people that I see living together in harmony. I often dream of running away to reside in a commune, somewhere in the Netherlands. Seeing others live the way I want to live actually gives me hope rather than envy. It never used to.

A few years back I was jealous of women who could afford luxury handbags and designer shoes. Now I’m simply frustrated with how the 21st century world views wealth. All I really want is to be able to sustain myself. I want a plot of land with very few neighbours and lots of animals. I want to know what I am eating and have an honest relationship with food and everyone else around me.

I don’t want to be monitored, watched over, brainwashed or controlled. I’ll stop myself there, because, well, the current state of politics (and lack of freedom) in both the UK and US is set to make this dream all the more laughable… but I will leave you with one question;

Isn’t it about time we took things into our own hands?


Just another rat in the race.



2 thoughts on “Just Another Rat In The Race

  1. Sorry that you are having such a hard, difficult time. Seeing the Psychiatrist can only help as I have found. You sound as though you are really thinking deeply about your intended way of life, the values you want to hold close. I hope for you to find true happiness and peace.
    Remember we love you, it doesn’t fade away. xx

    1. I’m glad you read this post and could make some sense of what I’m saying/going through, and that you too are getting the support that you need. Your kind words mean a lot. Thank you. Take care and lots of love back x

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