My last blog post/diary entry (whatever you want to call it) was several weeks ago now. I’ve missed elements of blogging/logging my thoughts and daily musings but in all honesty, it has been nice to live in the moment and keep some things to myself for a bit. Christmas is an emotive, thought-provoking time for us all, and it’s an especially emotional period for those spending it away from their loved ones.
If you follow me on social media you’ll know that I spent this year amongst Sam’s immediate and extended family. It was super relaxed and very playful – a fairly intimate setup on both Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Sam and I lied in like teeangers, and have done every day since finishing up with work on Friday. We desperately need some time off to lick our wounds from all that 2016 has thrown at us. It’s been a rollercoaster, that’s for sure.
It was strange, and at times, sad, to be away from my family of origin at this time of year. I didn’t attend any gatherings or link up with anyone separately or in a group. I sent a few messages out on Facebook and hoped no one would be offended. Maintaining no contact was a struggle but I did well to remind myself that “it’s just another day and a day doesn’t change a thing.”
I know I have never fully explained the situation with you guys here, and there’s good reason for that. I’m working on myself, privately, and part of that process is holding back from oversharing, objectifying and justifying myself. Like I said before, I’m taking a new approach to writing here on Make Me Up Marie – letting it take form organically, much like my life and new business ventures.
It’s almost like therapy, though I actually have a psychiatrist for that now! It took 10 months – 3 doctors appointments, 6 assessments and a long ol’ waiting list – but finally, I’m getting the unbiased support I need. I guess you’ll be wondering why I’m in therapy, why I’m so reluctant to share this ‘story’ of mine and why I’m still no contact with my parents after all this time. Right? Right. Well, the problem is, answering those questions is a whole lot harder than you’d imagine…
Sometimes what seems like a choice, simply isn’t. And sometimes what you need to share, is the last thing you want to share. I’m gradually putting the pieces together. My life has been one complicated puzzle… one that (sometimes) looks picture-perfect on the cover but is
rather extremely mind boggling when all the individual components are laid out, muddled on the table.
My memories aren’t in order, and they’re getting older and older. My brain is developing and my values are changing. Things that were previously impossible to see are now right there before my eyes and elements that never had a context now do. New sections of my story are uncovered each day. It’s weird, upsetting and exhausting but it’s also making me feel like a better person. My wounds are beginning to heal and at times, I’m confident that they won’t scar.
My heart is both broken and full at the same time. I’ve never loved so truly, yet hurt so deeply. The relationship between a mother and daughter, a father and daughter… is undeniably strong, whatever the circumstance… so much so that some days the longing for love is all-consuming. On those days, I try to replace my grief with gratitude. I know that having a relationship with my parents will only reinforce some of the traits I’m attempting to shred from my own personality but I also know that I have much to be grateful for.
I’ve learned that there’s something you can take away from any relationship, or experience for that matter, be it good or bad. I like to think being honest and aware about your situation allows you to see things for what they are. Sure, you may get be well-dressed and live in a nice house… but is that what you would’ve chosen if it meant sacrificing your individuality and identify? Just because things are, doesn’t mean they should be. There is such a thing as choice. Once you discover it and find out how to use it, it’s empowering.
I have noticed, we, as a society, often tend to accept things that we actually deem unacceptable because we’re told to do so by our superiors. But we commonly forget, our superiors were also told this by their superiors. You see, intergenerational patterns playout and history has an ugly way of repeating itself, despite our mighty efforts to rewrite the books.
If you look close enough, it’s highly likely you’re already playing out a role from a script that was written for you years ago. Some people see comfort in that, reassured by the simple fact that they’re not ‘alone’. Others see it as proof that the odds are stacked heavily against us. After all, what makes one person special enough to break such a strong cycle? Absolutely nada.
Interestingly, my psychiatrist seems to disagree. She doesn’t say much, so when she does speak it sits with me. Towards the end of the last session I told her that my biggest fear was being, remaining or becoming a narcissist (picking up FLEAS). I explained that I know better than most how unsuspectedly toxic and deep-rooted narcissistic abuse can be. I said, “I’d rather be alone than put anyone through that.” She gave me hope by pointing out that those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are void of empathy and almost always incapable of change, due to their intense sense of grandiosity. Apparently, my willingness to self-reflect, criticise (constructively) and grow (authentically) shows a ‘capacity’ that my parents ‘may not have’. Could that really be so?
I’m not convinced. It’s one thing to want to change but actually implementing such drastic adjustments is a completely different ballgame. I’m
currently constantly able to point out my flaws but unable to avoid or correct them before they surface. Of course, my hope is that this will change in time… which is why I need more time!
As well as gratitude, I do have empathy for my parents and I think that’s something my psychiatrist sees. I ask them to take responsibility for their actions yet I know their actions are dictated by their illness(es). I resent them for projecting their emotions yet I know these emotions are a result of their own experience. I’m pissed that they overstepped boundaries yet proud to know they did do better than what they were taught. There are many, many contradictions and plenty of confusing aspects that quite frankly, I don’t expect anyone to understand. I don’t even understand. I may never fully understand.
But in the midst of all this turmoil, there is one thing I do know and that is: I’m blessed to have you, my beloved readers. I hope you thoroughly enjoyed yourself throughout all of the holiday festivities. Thank you for joining this community, believing in me and supporting me no matter what. Your visits, comments and private messages bring me much joy. Take care, dears ones and remember, you don’t need anyone’s approval to be YOU. Here’s to 2017!
PS. Now go back & click on all of those links if you haven’t already! I selected them from my personal self-help bank and have found them incredibly insightful. If you’ve got an unhealthy relationship in your life, of any kind, I’m sure you’ll find them as interesting and useful as I did/d0 (it helps to store and archive pieces that resonate with you. Who knows what they could reveal to you?).